Why sons repeat their mother’s pain: my viral post
I recently had a post go viral—if you came from this post—welcome!
In this newsletter, I’m going to break down why a man who grew up watching his mother suffer is more likely to project his unhappy mother’s lifestyle onto his wife.
AGAIN, this doesn’t apply to all men, but most, due to the lack of investment in spiritual or inner healing.
Men, in particular, are taught to be “less emotional” and not to cultivate healthy community styles, which also exacerbates this issue.
I also want to acknowledge why this isn’t a common understanding even though it seems SO obvious (it’s not your fault if you overlooked this in some of your past relationships).
The societal structures that we live in do not want most women to have discernment.
Those who benefit from these structures WANT you to stay in the dark so that you can continue being a pawn e.g. Bumble.
And, if there is anything that you take from this newsletter, let it be: nothing is coincidental.
If I’m sounding crazy—please let me know by leaving a comment in Substack or responding directly to this email…
I’m now going to go into the psychological theories that support my claim.
The cycle of abuse and intergenerational trauma:
Trauma is widely understood as something that can be passed on generationally.
A man witnessing his mother suffer, overextending herself, and not being supported by healthy masculine men will make it so that his basic understanding of the world is rooted in that lens.
To extend these men some sympathy: they do not know that there are healthier ways to navigate the world—their nervous systems might even find discomfort with healthier dynamics—because the people who were there to teach them taught them toxicity instead.
While this EXPLAINS their behavior, it does not justify it.
We are talking about adults.
Also—I will not go as far as to say that this is a single mother’s (whether married or unmarried) fault because I am tired of women being blamed for being the parent who stayed.
People in affluent communities are taught discernment.
It is widely understood that someone who had a “bad” upbringing will be a less viable romantic partner—they just keep this information amongst themselves.
This discernment allows them to conserve energy in potentially harmful relationships and pour that into things with higher returns on investment (additional financial streams).
Gender role socialization:
Male people objectively do not navigate the world the same way that female people do.
If you follow me then you probably agree but I want to double down.
Hormonally—they do not need to contend with an infradian rhythm.
Socially—men are more mobile because they are not penalized for displaying signs of self-interest.
And this takes me back to a point I made a loooong time ago: dating older men is not the core of a power imbalance in relationships.
The very fact that you are around a man suggests a power imbalance and this is why you (if you love yourself) should only surround yourself with men who REALLY like you and make your life easier.
The point of the photo above is not to highlight the luxury experiences—it’s to highlight the approach that healthy men take when providing emotionally AND financally.
A man who observed his mother in a role where she never prioritized her needs or displayed self-love is going to expect that moving forward.
Even if he claims to want to give his woman “goddess treatment” it will be skewed unless he actively tries to understand and create space for the needs of his partner—this approach will have to look like him taking on a “servant mindset” which often requires vulnerability.
TRUE vulnerability is scary.
This is not a skill that unawakened men tend to have because they don’t usually exercise empathy with the female experience.
This is also because men are socialized to view women as objects, *insert countless examples of men comparing women to keyholes and cars*.
Thank you, papa patriarchy!
Object relations theory:
Things we observe during childhood tend to be internalized and made standard as we continue developing relationships into adulthood.
If I’m being fully transparent, the only reason why I’m breaking this down is because a girl in the comments said she studied psychology and had never heard of this…
Keep that to yourself, that’s embarrassing. 😂🫶 JK-ish
No—but on a more serious note—our modern understanding of psychology is also rooted in hegemonic structures (meaning the cultural norms of the people who came into power during and before the time when the global slave trade was a thing).
This almost looks like Western medicine with how it treats symptoms as opposed to getting to the root of an issue.
And the type of feminine energy that I promote has a lot to do with decolonizing yourself so that you center yourself and your dream life.
Don’t get me wrong—traditional talk therapy can be very helpful—but it can only take you so far.
Trauma bonding:
This concept goes back to the famous attachment-style discourse.
Strong emotional attachment patterns developed in childhood that are (often) codependent (don’t confuse this with interdependent) are likely to replicate themselves in adulthood.
In summation, you grow up seeing something and bonding in a certain way and you think that is normal.
Bell Hooks:
If you’re new to this type of discourse, I suggest you learn about it quickly because it plays out in all your relationships whether you know about it or not.
Bell Hooks is a fantastic place to start because she addresses the way that violence makes itself seen in all of our connections so that we can nurture more nurturing relationships.
If you’re too lazy to read then let me know and I can make a YouTue video summarizing my favorite books of hers.
Particularly, All About Love and The Will to Change.
A lot of people try to ignore the after-effects of slavery but the fact that we as an international network normalized owning a race of people because of their skin tone messed us all up.
This also ties to “invisible labor” which slaves would do—and then when slaves were no longer legal—women would have to do without thanks because that is what was then expected of them.
Invisible labor is how women were and still are expected to cook, clean, and take care of the children while also being told that this not REAL work.
Happy Belated Juneteenth and please understand that when one group of people suffer—we all suffer.
Please tell me your thoughts (if you hated this respond to the email and it stays between us) and whether you want more newsletters like this—otherwise I’m happy to go back to more surface-level and tangibly applicated feminine energy content.
If you want to learn how to communicate like a girl who gets to wake up at noon on a Thursday because the men in your life want you to enjoy softness then consider investing in the Feminine Communication course.
The course is also for you if you want your partner to treat you like the Queen that he treated you like at the beginning of your relationship (or better)…