Is splitting bills sabotaging your feminine power?
There's a surprise at the end of this newsletter š¤
āSplitting bills is bad? Iām only 23, and we both arenāt where we want to be right now, but he still does everything I ask for and more. Is that still wrong?ā
I didnāt get my first boyfriend until I turned 20.
Iām glad my dad didnāt let me have boyfriends when I was younger because it taught me how to have a rich inner life.
I was always someone who identified as a creative writer; it felt good to express my creativity in the art I shared with the world.
That helped me stay naive.
Sometimes, naivety makes manifesting your desires a lot easier.
Many jaded experiences might mean you have to do more inner work to reassure your nervous system that your desires are possible.
Fortunately, the optimism that comes from naivety is something we can all cultivate.
Anyway, when I got my first boyfriend at 20, I was honestly kind of disappointed by the experience.
I was much happier alone than dealing with this random guy who, yes, made my life easier in SOME ways, but ultimately wasnāt the guy Iād be marrying.
I canāt tell you that anything is inherently good or bad.
There are many types of people willing to do many types of things for what they think they want.
But centering a man is not going to be what you thought it would be in 10 years, especially a man who is not already your husband.
I have a lot of patience with women who married men who arenāt full providers.
But when it comes to a boyfriend, the discourse makes me lose brain cells.
If you were my coaching client, I would approach this more softly and with tools to help you come to a conclusion that fits uniquely for you.
But my blog posts are selfishly my world, haha.
Attracting a man who is okay with going 50/50 means you need to do some internal healing to stop attracting that type of man.
Even if you leave him, youāll attract a version of him 2.0 if you donāt prioritize your healing.
My first boyfriend was 23 and got an extra job, saying, āIād get more to make you happy.ā
I donāt think a guy being young is a reason to excuse him from providing because young women can get pregnant.
If youāre living with him, you are eventually going to be intimate.
(Full disclosure: I did not live with my first boyfriendāso my experience does not exactly resemble yours.)
TO ME: Itās weird to say, āheās young, he canāt provide.ā
If heās so young that he canāt provide, he probably shouldnāt be having sex.
I know many women who were on birth control and still got pregnantāthey THOUGHT they'd abort the child but when it came to they emotionally couldn't.
Women cut men so much slack and hold so much grace while having the most unkind inner dialogue.
This is social conditioning, babeāfree yourself of it.
Personally, Iād rather split bills with a random girl (who might turn into my lifelong best friend) than split bills with a guy Iām dating.
My closest relationships with women have come from living with them because we literally approach our relationship like weāre sisters.
Now, these are my values.
You donāt have to follow them.
If youāre doing something that makes you happy, then Iām happy for you.
My hard take: if a man is in his building phase, it can be okay to date himābut building phase must mean he can at least afford his own survival.
TO ME: You should never be sending a man who you are dating money for his rent.
Otherwise, as a woman, you are taking too much of a risk.
And, even in his building era, he should be doing everything in his capacity to make your life easier and make you happy.
I had a friend tell me that her Aquarius boyfriend (couldnāt be older than 24) wanted her to stay at his place at no cost to her.
Now even that can be a bit risky but she 100% had her parents to fall back on.
A lot of people infantilize men while expecting women to move the moon and the stars to be a āgood wife.ā
Of course a man is going to do everything the woman who he NEEDS might ask of him because she is paying half the rentābut will he continue doing this when he's established?
The point is that both you and I donāt know.
Plus, your brain isn't even fully developed when you're under 25 so that makes this a MASSIVE gambleā¦
The good wife discourse feels so exploitative.
Especially, because men throw this around before they even make REAL movements towards making you a wife.
I'd rather be a happy wife than a āgoodā one, personally.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
P.S. Itās my birthday month, so weāre celebrating! š
For anyone who is curious I am a Cancer sun, Gemini moon, Libra rising!
The first 20 girls to invest get $100 off my āFeminine Communication & Seductionā course with code ābirthdaybaddiesā!
I agree. When i was in my early 20s I knew in my gut it wasn't right to split bills with a man but all my friends thought it was okay so I accepted it. When I turned 24 a guy I wasn't even very attracted to got me pregnant by coming inside me without my consent and do you know what he did? He offered to split the cost of abortion. Thankfully my insurance covered it but he did not buy me dinner or a cab ride home the evening after i got out. He was not even the classic jerk type, just a spineless, broke young "nice" man who was disconnected from his masculinity.
That was my last straw. That man got into my pants thru a friendship where we split bills and this is part of why I do not believe men and women can authentically be friends. It has been through intense experiences with men that helped me form boundaries with them that i wont back down on.
Kylie!! Happy birthday Gem. I'm a Libra moon with my Venus in Gemini. This is cosmic confirmation of our connection. I genuinely enjoy your creative words from your Inner Door Archive. Yes, waiting till 19 to have my first boyfriend and how different that experience was from the relationship with my first girlfriend at 24 was eye opening. We restrict access to ourselves now because like you rightly said all interactions and relationship have power dynamics and bring inherent risk. Especially those with men. Now at 28, I am so proud to be reconnected to self and also embodying more creativity! I'm publishing Naija Cycle Syncing Guide, a guide on cycle syncing and lifestyle using Nigerian cuisine next week on Amazon and Selar. I'd like to say thank you because your content is always affirmation. Happy birthday again!